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Dear Little One: A Reminder Of Who I Still Am

Dear Nadine,

It is the end of October 2022. Already the weather is changing in favour of the colder gales. The golden brown palette that blankets the landscape whispers of late autumn. Early winter makes itself known by the shorter days with dusk creeping in already at six in the evening. Glorious sunrises and dazzling sunsets accompany the shift of seasons.

We are here, in Great Bernera again. Our Stay in Leurbost cut short by a sudden urge to set boundaries in a house that was too crowded for us to be able to have even a single minute in a closed room to ourselves. Gratitude has flooded our every cell both for our hosts in Leurbost, nodding knowledgeable when we opened up our minds and thoughts to them, and our host in Bernera that welcomed us back with open arms. A week here has done a lot for us, recharging and also reconnecting with some of our innermost insecurities. Let me tell you, I was as surprised about our fragility as the next one!

I did and will continuously do my best for our evolution and growth, that much I can assure you of and promise you.

The story goes a little like this:

A chance at a deep connection crossed our path. And it took our breath away in the most uncharacteristic way, for we were spellbound. Worried of what all of this might bring forth, what it will bring with it. And we thought we were losing our minds and ourselves in the process. The intensity needed to stop, the whirlwind needed to slow down. I did not want to drown before I was ready and I wanted all of it to fade away, or never to have happened to us in the first place.

Shell-shocked as I was, I did not even leave room or space for a friendship.

Anxiety and panic meddling with my judgement.

Overly dramatic, some may say, just the right amount of security and safety and boundaries, my mind intervened.

As quickly as it had begun it was over and this week, all came to a final end.

The name is not important- what is though, is what he meant for us and our development. Or rather what the connection and its loss, did for us and our growth.

For I have come to realise two things.

First of all, it was not the possibility of love or a relationship that scared me away. It was our sense of self being there for maybe the first time ever in our life. Being strong and independent, being fierce and daring, being demanding and hungry for the future plans. And it, our self, thought that this connection and romantic love in general would be its downfall. The equivalent of it withering away to its non-existent state of before. It got stuck in the past. It thought the past would become our future if we would let ourselves go.

Out of this revelation was born certainty that love does not equal loss. Yes, there always will be the possibility, of course.

But if this sense of self kicks and screams and lets itself be heard, let its needs be felt and met, and its demands be acknowledged, then we will not lose ourselves in a relationship.

Our self is strong, and thus, so are we.

Secondly, and very surprising to me, we have a lot more healing to do. Seeing as we pushed someone out of our life, this certainly is not at all a normal response. Thus, this experience showed us that we are not ready yet.


With all that said, here is why I even thought about writing to you, dearest Little Dini!

You might have guessed it already, I saw a short video.

A woman saying she put up a picture on the bathroom mirror of herself as a toddler. Each time she would look into the mirror, seduced to disregard herself or her looks or her self-worth in general, her eyes would dart to that little girl. She would remember that she was putting down this little child, that she was belittling her, criticising her, making her feel dumb and ugly and not enough.

And this would make her stop.

Because this little girl in the picture was she herself and she had experienced people doing this to her all her life, witnessed how she did it to herself as well. Who would make this circle stop? Who else but herself?

It made me cry.

This woman was so right.

And even though I had stopped consciously in my thoughts or my words bad-mouthing myself a little more than a year ago, I still felt this resonate with me.

Sting even.

Especially during the experience I went through, stated above.

A month of doubting myself, my decisions, my appeal, my motives, my very core.

A month of forgetting that the little toddler in the picture was still me, somewhere deep in my core, somewhere deep inside of me.

Little One - you are the reminder of who I still am. And who I still should be aware of, take care of, am responsible for.

This is why I write all of this to you, to remind me.

Because reminding oneself of the child we once were is important.

A child is honest, authentic and fearless. It explores the world and its surroundings with joy and a never-ending thirst for discovery. It says yes to the experience, wholeheartedly. Yes, to life.

And at some point one may lose this but if we remind ourselves about that little one inside all of us, I am of the humble opinion, that we can only profit off of that decision.

We would cry when we felt like crying, cleansing us instead of suppressing our legitimate emotions. We would scream in rage or anger because no one drilled us to believe that those feelings are bad and should not be heard. We would stay true to our creativity and what sparks happiness within because no on has yet told us to settle for a plan B, planting fear in our hearts that what we want is not reachable for us. We would not be ashamed of what is in our minds, our dreams, our perceptions.

We would just be and let others be.

We would not like anyone and everyone, and that would be alright too.

We would be enough.

We would not think otherwise.

Then, let me tell you one more thing, my darling Nadine:

I will try not to forget. And I will try to take better care of us. I will try and laugh more and explore more and dare more. But also, we are so much more than we were before. We can dance full of bliss for who we are today and where we are. We never get tired of acknowledging our path of healing and growth. Our boldness, our courage and our kindness!

We came from a place of not knowing if there was a place on this Earth for us.

Now we believe there is.

We started out insecure, uncertain, labelling us as not good enough.

Now here we are, knowledgeable that we have something to give. We do not care about lopsided teeth or burned skin, scars or a snub nose. We care about our radiant eyes and the charismatic energy that gets people inspired, excited and passionate.

We still have to work to genuinely embrace our body, but goodness me we are able to plank now- that is a start, right?! 😁

We know that we have creativity, heck, we are making a living from it right at this very moment!

We have plans for our next year, wishes for our next decade, dreams of our legacy- things that we would have never imagined 7 years ago when we were broken and hurt and numb and shut the world out.

We love our life, even if we sometimes crave for a soul partner in human form. Remember Lucy, the light, the Pekingese in the picture. She is still with us in energy, I believe, and now, additionally, Marjorie accompanies us on our life's journey too.

She is our soulmate, partner in crime.

Our life is good.

Very good.

And I will do my best to not forget it. Even when I falter sometimes. Even if I stumble across older thought or behavioural patterns sometimes. Even if I forget about you sometimes.

We are good.

And I love you, I honour you, I value you and trust you.

This is one of my morning rituals by the way: Breathing in for 7 seconds, holding for 7 seconds, breathing out for 7 seconds. Then repeating these sentences 3 times each.

In between the 7 second breathing circle, three times.

Hand on my heart and saying or thinking exactly this, three times: I love myself.

In between the 7 second breathing circle, three times.

Hand on my heart and saying or thinking exactly this, three times: I trust myself.

In between the 7 second breathing circle, three times.

Hand on my heart and saying or thinking exactly this, three times: I value myself.

In between the 7 second breathing circle, three times.

Hand on my heart and saying or thinking exactly this, three times: I honour myself.

It's been three months since I had a so-called really bad day, it's been three months since I have been incorporating this morning ritual.

I will look after us.

I promise.

With love, from my heart to yours


Love and light

Beloved Soul


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