It seems that the year of 2024 is all about keeping my cool while mayhem is happening front to back, left to right and center. And as it always is in life, it only makes sense looking back on it, not really while it transpires in the now or being planned out for the future. Therefore, the only sensible thing to do for me is take account, reflect and start from scratch. My flexibility and agility didn’t always make sense to me. Why be so adaptable when the option of leading a life on treaded paths seems so much more peaceful. This year however made me appreciate this innate skill enormously, and said skill, I now believe, enables me to live such a versatile and exciting life; exhausting or daunting as it sometimes is, full of freedom and experimentation, embroidered with the alchemical responsibility of transforming fear into faith, and judgement into love.
For the purpose of this series, I consider to do a weekly update on how the events in my life happen with the best case scenario being a 180 U-turn toward financial freedom and continuing my travels, or worst case scenario nothing worked and I have to fall back on a plan B.
For the purpose of this article, I announce its intended structure:
First we have the philosophical question of why my ability to adapt, seeking intensity and choosing extreme situations may actually be the solution to someone else’s challenge of feeling stuck.
Then we explore the totality of my situation and the action plan I decided to put in place in a last effort to turn this ship around and not settle for the safety and compared easiness of a plan B.
And lastly there will be nothing left but me speaking from the heart on my personal WHY, hopefully being able to stay concise in my intention of explaining the importance of it, as well as maybe uttering words that assist someone else on their own journey.
The paradox of the comfort zone
If you have no clue about me or my journey so far, I wholeheartedly welcome you to my space, my little corner of the internet. I am about transformation and freedom. About the tools in my toolbox I collected throughout my journey. And above all, as stated earlier, about freedom.
However I wasn’t always that way. In fact, I lead an ordinary life, including a pretty average 90’s childhood with a focus on the outside looks and material aspects of the social life, 2000s teenage years with bullying and late blooming, my 20s with the immigration to another country and deep relationship building, and finally my 30s that somehow signify the path to self discovery and shedding all the layers to find the heart of my personal onion, my essence. All of it so far has always been in the sign of absolute extremes, there was never really any longer duration of time that could have been described as comfortable, reliable or consistent. Even though I led a life within the routines of what some call the rat race, I always considered it my fault that I wasn’t able to fit in and be content with how it was supposed to be.
The very meaning of ‘fitting in’ somewhere describes the state of discarding aspects or the totality of who you are in order to make it work with a group of people. To me this constant strive to fit into the expectations and norms put onto me, and the inability to conceive the option of simply acknowledging that I wasn’t built for this, was uncomfortable. I suggest therefore that my comfort zone is being in discomfort. One may argue that I should then work through this because it is not my true essence but a trauma response. I would argue that while I partially agree, and do truly believe that at some point in my life I will arrive somewhere that will open up the field of integrating-healing this side of me, for now I am thriving when I can live outside of comfort. That said, the paradox that I am talking about, and that is discussed in the short video inspiring me to write this paragraph, describes something less intense.
It is at the cusp of discomfort, but still enough comfort to cope and go along with a partially not aligned occupation, relationship or habit. And that is why I felt inspired to share the video. Because even though I would describe myself as living more or less comfortably in discomfort, or in other words discomfort is my comfort zone, I still fall prey to this paradox myself.
An example: I held a position with a contractor for over one and a half years, termed it in my head ‘building a longterm business relationship’ and only when it ended unexpectedly did I realise that this contract, with a comfortable and dependable monthly income, was not fully aligned with my inner creative and ethical line. I even self sabotaged by the very end to bring to light the core issue, our differences of world views. Obviously while I was still in the situation I felt like I was doing all I could, and I still think that ignorance can surface as a form of self protection and soothing, namely being a freelancer having a reliable source of income is a jackpot, but looking back on my struggles I realise that the cooperation had just reached its organic end by June and I hung onto it until the middle of August. I continued even though my inner voice told me over and over again that it wasn’t right if it made me feel inadequate, dumb even, patronised and small, unworthy and not good enough. When it ended, I was able to breathe for the first time. Even if it meant that my considerable earnings and stable income was gone and the existential dread suddenly and out of nowhere was banging with full force against my breastplate, making it hard to breathe in the mornings as soon as my brain came online, whispering of the fears and premonition of certain doom. So, to clarify, I was able to embrace joy and laughter again, because I felt free, yet only by giving all my energy and effort towards balancing the fear each and every morning with affirmations and meditations.
I know, my parents couldn't make sense of this either.
Now, back to the video, I see what happened. I definitely was in a comfort zone, even though the longer it continued the more discomfort arose from it, and still I decided to stay with it, against the wisdom of my intuition, because it was just about bearable. I find that paradox to be fascinating, especially from the point of view of someone who more often than not seeks out discomfort voluntarily for the sake of exploration, growth and expansion. Realising that this form of compromising my authenticity is no longer something that serves me. It is not a part of my identity anymore. I do not want it to take up space or energy. I want it gone and I want myself to be fully committed to continuing to tread on my path, keeping my freedom, and doing everything and anything that allows me to maintain it. Freedom of time, place and creativity. And I do truly believe that whenever someone out there feels stuck, but won't move or change things, it is because of this paradox. So in essence, I suggest that this paradox may be more harming and dangerous than if your whole world collapses all at once around you. In the first scene even someone in love with change and the unknown may accidentally fall into a trap of staying because it is just about bearable. In the latter case though there is no other choice than to get moving, bringing about growth and change by nature more quickly and thoroughly, maybe even more smoothly than in case number one.
That said, we arrive at section two:
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The other day I recorded my first ever Instagram livestream, followed a day later by my first ever YouTube livestream. The first one was called ‘Log 1:Nothing But The Truth’. The latter was an attempt to find my people, people with similar struggles and life paths, maybe going or having gone through identical experiences in finding their path when it seems like you're wading through the unknown territory of a jungle with no sight on what lies ahead, beyond, behind or beneath. The reason I did this is because it is something absolutely out of my comfort zone. And I am diving for last resorts at the moment.
As of today my net worth lies at around -5’000€. That is, for some people at least, nothing to worry about as I am debt free. This figure is made up of the total payments that are still outstanding up until the end of this year, including my phone bills, my social insurance for freelancers that is mandatory in my country, the payment for my accountant, the quarterly car insurance, as well as some minor debt of when I borrowed money from friends and Marjorie’s food supply. Not included in there is anything related to my own nourishment, gas for my car or any entertainment, shopping or whatever it is people do to enjoy city life and be sociable.
We started with the truth.
I am beyong embarrassment or shame. I want to live radically authentic and I believe the only way forward for our whole society is if we stop thinking we need to have it figured out, mapped out and know it all, be honest with our challenges and hardships, share our stories, learn from each other and our experiences, connect through this open vulnerability and transform belief patterns and generational trauma as a collective. That is why I decided to be as transparent as possible and as honest as possible about my struggles, how I deal with them and the inability to just give up and return to the safety of employment that would, at least in my world, take my freedom away completely.
Now the whole truth does go further because the whole truth is that I never had to actually battle for projects or clients before.They always appeared, not through advertisement but because of word-of-mouth recommendations. One went, another came. And obviously I always lived moderately, modestly, demurely would, I imagine, be the right word these days. It was very tight at some points of course and without a friend helping out here or there, I would not have made it. But I do not really ever concern myself too much with money, it always worked itself out in some way. To me money is more of a possibility to enjoy and indulge when it is there, if it isn’t there then it just isn’t, I guess. Nothing really revolves around money that much in my world. Which of course is probably part of why I am in this dire situation now. This is the first time I have no clients and no projects. I am putting myself out there, I apply for projects in Facebook groups dedicated to connecting entrepreneurs, start-ups and businesses with virtual assistants and freelancers. I am not on fiverrr or any related sites as I tried that before and it feels overcrowded with no real chance to get a slice of the cake. I ask my pool of dedicated friends to keep their eyes, ears and hearts open for anything that sounds like it would be something for me. I search on a variety of websites for occupation. I contact small business owners where I have suggestions on improvements for their brand or site.
And it is exhausting.
For one, I do not want to keep fishing, selling myself and finding myself being in a position where I have to oversell what I do. Partly because so far it felt natural, organic. There was a vibe between my clients and me and I felt what they wanted, needed and delivered. I never had to expose myself in this way before where I talk about how dedicated I am, how wonderful my work is, or some such things. I just was, my work just resonated and my clients just seemed happy with it. And then there is this inner voice telling me that, in truth and nothing but the truth, the reason no new projects come in is so I get my ass off the ground and start furthering my own creative projects to be able to have financial abundance flood my life because I do what I love, with all my heart and soul. So this whole truth part states that, not only is my financial situation dark, I do not have any projects confirmed for anytime soon either.
And the whole truth consists of my intuition telling me to focus on myself and expand the body of work that I already built consistently over the last four years.
So my virgo sun and ascendant kick in and I came up with a plan.
The plan is firstly to trust the process, surrender the illusion of control and give myself two months to turn this ship around. Until the end of that timeframe every day of the week is given over to one branch of my personal, creative projects that have the potential to be monetised. Monday it is podcast day (meaning the full production, and expanding to new tools to cut shorts out of it as well as brainstorming future episodes and advertisement). Tuesday it is book day, so furthering the project of writing, designing it, translating it into German, finding out about self publishing, marketing and realising the audio version of it in both languages. Wednesday is Play & Creativity where it is about taking a break from focused, persistent creativity, and instead giving myself over to regenerating my creative tanks with inspirational books, content, quotes, even painting or macrame work. Thursday revolves around my YouTube channel, Friday about my blog and website (so it is not a coincidence that this blog has been published today, friends!), arriving on Saturday where I want to focus on community building and birthing my online course from the vision into existence, finally ending with Sunday that allows for Rest&Recharge, meaning time out in nature without constraint, a hike or lounging, or whatever Marjorie and I feel like doing.
An actionable action plan, designed to invest the time I was given, by how life turned out to be right now, into my own creative vision for my future.
Alongside that I go out of my comfort zone and take everyone who wants to know what happens along on the journey via Instagram livestreams and continuing my path of honesty with YouTube livestreams as well. Truth, authenticity, trial and error, all of it make up the success story that is me. Past, present and future. In the name of maintaining the freedom of my time, the places I want to be at, and the expression of myself that I envision to be the key aspect of my service to the world: I am free, this is what freedom looks like to me, what does it look like for you? That sort of work. With people. With all my heart and soul.
After so much revelation, it is time to proceed to the open heart monologue:
My WHY
First of all, please do ask yourself the question as well. It is life changing to ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing. Both in the grander scheme of things as well as the everyday routines incorporated in your daily life. It is entering, grounding, balancing out. It is about finding truth through seeking our authenticity. Why am I just now feeling what I am feeling, why am I compelled to do something right now, why do I have energy or experience a scarcity of it?
My why has been in the making for about 36 years. Don’t fret, I won’t get into detail here. What I will say though is that the more I consider checking in with me and asking me why I do what I do, what my true motivator is, if it is in alignment with my moral and ethical compass, with the truth I want to live and the love I want to bring, the more devotion I develop for this three letter word.
A tool I encountered years back is to ask yourself why you are doing something seven times in a row to get to the core essence of your motivation. My why for this blogpost for example started with the need to, in some shape or form, maximise the possibility of visibility. I want to write for a living, I want to serve people on their journey towards freedom and self realisation, I want to never stop thriving through authentic self-growth and zealous surrender to change. The core why in this however is my own freedom. At this stage in my life I won’t shy away from the statement that I have something to offer to people.
My mess is my message.
What I have been through inspires the resources to build a bridge that people are able to walk over instead of having to hike trough their own valley of misery that may take years and years, not to mention the hovering sword of Damocles hanging over our head all the time, threatening us with the constant option of just giving in at some point. There are an infinite amount of valleys to go through in a person’s life. I am able to support and give way over at least one bridge. If I can maintain my own freedom through the output of my own creativity, there are no restrictions holding me back other than maybe the valleys I will continue to go through. I am on board with this. So on board in fact that my plan B seems to only be in place in order to soothe the people around me that are asking me about the 'what if' dangers of my reckless faith. To ease their discomfort and worry. And when I say reckless faith, what I really mean is a deep knowledge in my gut. I know I am not meant returning to a office desk. I do not know how I will be able to prevent this future, and we will all see what will come of my fierce conviction in two month’s time, but with all my might I will do anything and everything in my power to preserve my freedom and
make. it. work.
There is no other way, no other choice. It is no choice. It is the only way for me to get a slice of contentment, joy, peace. Therefore I have to give it my all. My why is a life and death kind of force urging me to take it step by step and day by day, trusting the process and knowing that I have it in me, that I can let myself be seen and heard and not hold back anymore. Hence the live-streaming, this new blog series, and the concentrated power on all systems of my Self to produce, create and realise a place in this world for me as a free human.
If this resonates with you and you are curious, follow along on my journey, I’d love to connect and hear your inspiring stories of perseverance in the face of enormous pressure, shedding the belief systems of the past in celebration of a new dawn painted with the colours of fierce belief, unshakeable trust in one’s own ability and above all, love and kindness for ourselves and others.
Love and light, my beloved souls
Nadine
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