14.1.21
The day started out as a lazy one since Marjorie did not want to go anywhere- it was raining, you see, and she looked at me through nearly closed eyes, signaling very clearly that when she got up this morning for a walk, this was not at all what she had in mind. So I surrendered to it, pretty tired myself, and we cuddled up at home. At around 2 o'clock in the afternoon we both longed for some time outside and as the weather had dried up outside, I figured we could do a nice walk along the coastline, driving with the bus up to Sunderland and walking all the way back. Although I pretty much underestimated the duration and length of this adventure by two hours straight, it was an epic exploration through not yet seen landscape, bays and scenery. We were back at 6:30 in the evening and Marjorie was really done after that, but I had been able to thrive within my creativity to shooting pictures and capturing moments that seemed amazing to me. All in all- an okay day with tendency to creative contentment.
15.1.21
What a day today was! Getting up I was excited to see that the sky was clear and blue and the sun just had gone up over the hill. Marjorie was pretty excited too and even though I for a second was drawn to the idea of visiting Gateshead, folowed by a walk through Jesmond park, I decided that with all the administration and organisation due to travel restrictions and obligations I had to tend to today, it would be smart to have a nice morning walk on Little Haven beach and return to the shelter of our flat afterwards. Said and done- except that it was the most epic and scenic walk since we got here.
The colours when the sun goes up are amazing by themselves naturally, but with the frost over night all the plants and the high grass on the dunes were glistening and glittering in the rays of light. We spent two full hours in the freezing cold, or more so I spent nearly half of that time making pictures whilst Marjorie explored the beach in search of food scrapes as usual. There is something magical about the mornings on the beach when you see that the tide has washed away all that was there before and you are the first to walk over the even and untouched sand. It reminds me of the magic you experience when walking on snow before anyone has been there.
From this magnificent glory I think it had to spiral downwards because anxiety kicked in as soon as we made our way back. Something triggers me, I guess it is the uncertainty after building up a cozy micro-cosmos for the last week we have been here. The uncertainty if I can travel on Thursday 21st, the uncertainty where I could get me tested so as to provide a negative test result as obligated by the Scottish government, uncertainty if I should stay longer here within safety or go ahead and book a two nights stay in Inverness already, uncertainty if all this uncertainty was worth the shot I took when deciding to go and travel during these times. I mean it might seem ridiculously foolish and also a kind of first world problem, but when I could not get advise or answers to my questions from the Scottish government (because they do not provide these on the phone, only on their website, and it is pretty confusing for me so I really needed to talk someone about it) the tension started to built.
After three hours and not one soul that could answer my questions, let alone the giving me the prospect of where I could get a PCR test to get tested, I felt helpless and alone. Not only where the feelings creeping in telling me that I was in way over my head, the mocking voices cackling in my mind accompanied them by telling me I have no chance of ever getting where I want to go, that I am trapped in a foreign country with no friends and no support system, that I could not get back because then I was a failure but alos could not go forward because they might arrest me for some reason. These voices made it seem as though I bit off more than I could chew, as though I still was a little girl with no expereince of the world and in need of a proper, safe life without adventure- why, because I was too weak to handle it, so dumb to solve the challenges ahead of me. It started to affect my breathing as though someone sat on my chest which prevented me from doing calming breathing exercises. I really struggled today and when I could not bear it anymore I just needed to get out of the apartment, so I did.
For one hour straight I let Marjorie take the lead on where to go while I refused to give in and started to do affirmations in my head, such as "You are safe, you are free, you are edventurous, you can handle anything, you are empowered and powerful, you are strong, you will find your way...". While Marjorie strictly went into the opposite direction I wanted to go (which obviously was the ocean as the vastness and beauty could clear my mind and maybe soothe me), I repeated every piece of word that was positive within affirmations again and again and again. Surprisingly enough, or is it, I felt at least my chest feel lighter so that I could breath in the crisp, fresh air. The task ahead of me was getting out of these endless streets of houses where Marjorie had led us, I could not bear the density of them, it triggered a heaviness on my chest again that I was so eager to release.
By the time we got to Horsley Hill I slowly, slowly began to breath more easy again and with the sun on my face, the air in my lungs and the view over the ocean to the horizon, my state of mind changed. I kept repeating my affirmations and with every step felt better though my worldly challenges, or what I perceived as problems, were not solved in any way. At least they got smaller for the time being.
And then I met Sue, a lady sent from heaven! She apporached me while I was stroking Marjorie lying on her back with her signature "Marjorie" move, meaning paws in the air. Sue asked if everything was alright as she could not place this behaviour from the distance and thought maybe I needed help in any way. Of course I did but not in the sense Sue had thought. We got talking and it was like the weight was lifted in an instant. Sue was so kind and her dog Jess was eager to play "Fetch the ball" with me, so we talked some more. Ultimately this wonderful woman offered her support with her mobile number and an information only a local could have provided, concerning a pharmacy that did PCR corona testing for travel purposes. I was over the moon because just when I, yet again, began to panick over literally nothing at all and my mind triumphed over my intuition, Sue was sent to me sharing information. And not only that our chat was so nice and warm and friendly, it really was this kind of social interaction that I always cherished having when outside, only now in addition I have been thrown a safety buoy as well.
While sitting here, drinking hot tea and thinking about dinner I feel so much gratitude and wonder how many more experiences it will take for me to trust the flow of life more. Either way, I am thankful, humbled, amazed and very, deeply moved. Thank you Sue, for your kindness and openeness and support, you cannot begin to fathom what you have done for me today and I appreciate it so very much!
All love and light, beloved souls, with special thanks to Sue!
Nadine