There And Back Again - The Loosing and Finding of my Essence.
'Well, well, well - you look good! Wow, I cannot believe it's been five months already since I last saw you! How time flies, right?! How are you then?''
It sounds a little bit like that when people that have not met in a while would greet each other. Nevertheless - I have missed all of you and I have missed very much writing about... everything.
Reasoning why it is then that I have not been updating my personal blog is rather difficult.
As always with me, it is more complicated than saying there was no time. Because, quite frankly, there was plenty. However, a turmoil of emotions and mental health matters, existential questions and procrastination issues, took their toll on me.
Finally though, I feel like I have something to say again.
Which is why I decided to write this piece of a scattered thought process. Partly because at some point you just need to get back and post, partly because it is authentic and therefore valid to publish the piece.
In the last five months, I suffered from writer’s block. More specifically from a loss of creativity. Well, to be exact, a loss of motivation and inspiration to exert energy to a project that takes longer than sharing a photo on Instagram or investing half an hour into a nice Instagram Reel.
And what was there to contribute anyway? Have you lately checked Social Media? There is such a huge amount of phenomenal creativity- who needs my input adding up to this seemingly endless Mount Everest of beauty already created everyday by other human beings? Also, there was other stuff going on.
'What stuff?', you might ask.
I am glad you do since this is the whole purpose of the article :)
There was no motion and a lot of motion, I felt stagnant and I felt overwhelmed at the same time. And guilty.
And I did not really talk about it, to anyone.
For someone who is always outspoken about how blessed and grateful she is to be travelling, experiencing the world, enjoying the great outdoors and the unknown, these feelings of inactivity lead to inadequacy, lead to the abyss of questioning everything and the inability of being truthful about her struggles.
A downward spiral of toxicity is not far away when you cannot be honest to yourself or others and start to condemn your choices of food as well as thoughts. Because once the questioning starts, old belief systems kick in and they lead to destructive behaviour. Negative self-talk manifests in negative action, or more problematic, no action at all. And all of that happens while I am aware that it happens. While I know I should be further along in my self-growth and not so prone to all of it anyway.
I consciously use all of my energy to know that I should know better, but know that this knowing simply sucks life out of me. Leading to a conscious decision of ignoring the looming knowing.
I hope that makes sense.
What I am trying to portray is this: Living the life I chose still is a life to live, with all its glory and with all its hardships. The last four months, I withdrew completely from creating anything within my free time, a perfect example of both sides of the medal.
I loved the freedom of time suddenly available to me because I was not working on a blog or a vlog, I hated the freedom of time suddenly available to me because I was not working on a blog or a vlog.
Yes, but then most of those who know me, would agree that this probably describes exactly who I am anyway. Arguably, we all are in a sense, aren’t we?
And during this period of liking and loathing the experience of not writing and not editing, I invested my energy in my first few paid freelance projects. Which is good, but also feeds into the impostor syndrome that feeds the downward spiral of negativity. Which then led to me not even being able to think of a simple story I want to create. Which then led to me not creating and feeding the wrath inside that I was not creating anything of value. Which led to procrastination. Feeding self-esteem issues. Feeding impostor syndrome. Feeding… well, I guess you know where this is going.
Not that I was depressed. As a WWOOF volunteer during the first two and a half months, I accept five days of work in exchange for food and accommodation. So, I was tired after the variety of work I volunteered to do anyway. Still, my very loud inner critic tirelessly pointed out that up until November 2021, I took two online courses, wrote my book and my business plan and did freelance work- on the side of all of the volunteer work. My ego kept pressing the matter further in asking what possibly could have happened that turned me into a lazy potato. No painting, no quotes, no words, no videos, no expression of my viewpoint whatsoever.
No viewpoint generally.
No viewpoint that seemed to matter.
No stress also, I might add.
Except the stress I felt when I realised that I had not posted anything in five months, neither on my blog nor on my channel.
Maybe I am simply not a creative person?
Maybe I choose the wrong path?
Maybe my life choices so far add up to nothing else but a waste of time and energy and I should throw all dreams into the bin.
Find an office job, and an apartment, be content… somewhere, anywhere.
Yet, I kept telling the outside world that I was alright, fine, good. And in a sense I was. But on a much more deeper, subconscious level, in a much more real sense, I was not.
Which is why I decided that this would be the piece to publish.
Even if I am blessed enough to live a life of inconsistency, within unknown parameters, without any security and, very frankly, without the warmth of a familiar home to flee whenever I need it.
Even if it was my own free will to led to all of it.
Even if I am grateful for my choice, and would not make a different one looking back.
I am still human. A beautiful, contradictory, complicated, multi-facetted, blessed, displaced, seeking and searching, struggling, kind, unhappy but then again also happy, human being.
And I have no clue about anything.
I just realised hibernation lasted four months.
And not creating caused pointlessness.
I arrived in Switzerland on a rainy morning on the 9th of May.
And suddenly, slowly, my wild, free, creative self emerged. The warmth, love and generosity that builds bridges came back. The country and the people woke me up from stagnation and struggle, healing happened. and within that grand and splendid feeling the sky cleared and I knew there never was stagnation to begin with. I was adjusting and came out the other side with newborn views on life:
I do not want to settle down yet, no spiritual, off-grid, self-sufficient community yet. There is so much more to see and together with my gorgeous Marjorie there are some adventures yet to be experienced!
In order to do that I need to take it step by step and figure out how to earn money as a freelancer.
So, back I am. Trying to create again.
I crave to create again.
And isn’t there always some story to tell?!
A story like this one, maybe.
The story of my perception. The story of my evolution. The story of the authentic, holistic process towards independency, self-sufficiency and building the life of my dreams.
Now, because of these months and these internal demons slashing me, I remembered the why.
Because of the timeout I remembered.
Because of the family and friends I visited and talked to, I remembered. Because of the loss of my godmother, I remembered.
Life is here and struggle fuels creativity.
I feel deeply and therefore I feel the need to express these emotions.
I want to look back and feel good about my storytelling.
Creativity is what keeps me sane.
Even if I suck at it in the end. Even if there are thousands, hundred of thousands, millions of other creators that are more unique, more genius, more everything.
There is no outside validation necessary, just my own.
And I value that I want to create something.
I value that I have the courage to start again.
Thank you for taking the time to tune in to my life again. I am grateful that you all are here with me and I am grateful that I am back.
Love and light, beloved souls, throughout all of your struggles and within all of your happiness.