In a small, very unique book store in Mallorca, owned by an elderly gentleman who seemed to live more within the books of his store than in the reality of you and I, a book crossed my path. The store was more resembling to an aqueduct deep underground, with endless tunnels leading to rooms.
Books everywhere, spilling the ground, the shelves, the steps, even the small foot-wide pathways in between. Books piling up towards the ceiling, stacks and stacks of them in front of the shelves, in front of other stacks, stacks without an end to them, so many that you would not e be able to put them aside to get to the piles behind them.
Some rooms were more sorted in the sense that the owner knew the whole room was designated to French literature or German, or books from a specific century, a room for scientific books only, or philosophical works. This store, if it still exists, is the heaven for every bookworm out there, and probably for everyone interested in history and antiques as well.
I found right there, in this store.
“The Life of the Buddha” it said on the spine, written in golden letters on the blue leathery book band it was held together with. It came to me. I seem to recall that it just fell down and that is how I noticed it, but then our memories alter things over time, even more when one feels destiny interfered. And anyway, it was even longer ago than when I created the very picture that goes along with the inspiration it ignited within me.
Why I tell you all of this?
Because up until now I was in no way able to explain why this very quote spoke to me so intensely. I felt such a deep connection to the words, as though they where speaking to and from the core of my soul and answered every unspoken, unthought of question to my heart’s desires. These words understood the essence of my being, more than I understood them myself. They seemed to ignite what is engraved within every cell of my body, describing the yearning within that I was never able to grasp and put into a written concept that would sound reasonable to anyone, including myself. This quote was able to describe the reason why my cells evolved, came together to serve as a vessel for my soul.
“there is an answer, there is a way
i have not found it
it may be that it cannot be found,
that there is no such thing.
yet
better the search than dully to agree with
necessity.”
|| L. Adam Beck ||
Now slowly, gradually, while travelling from one adventure to the other, I begin to grasp the concept of the quote itself, as well as why it echoed into the depths of my existence. Always I was wondering why I could never settle for anything. Once I had achieved something, be it a standard of living, a diploma or certificate, a mastery of one aspect of self-development. I was restless all the same,. Planning the next accomplishment, stage, thing, while still in the final stages of a current phase.
For example: Arriving at a point in my life where I was financially stable, had some savings, fulfilling profession and enchanting work colleagues, a good body image and healthy eating habits, meaningful volunteer work and a loving relationship with my partner. Yet, while all of this balance just began to settle, I started to look at adoption sites for stray dogs. There was no logic to this, it was the first time my life was calm and I had achieved everything I had been working for. Yet.
I felt like this was the next step. There was an urge, maybe even an urgency to do that. Of course looking back I realise, it was another step towards growth and self-development. Back then though, I had arrived at a point where I could have settled and let it be for a while.
Another example: After leaving my home country to come and live with my fiancé at his family, I had a harmonious family life, a devoted partner. I could have been content, especially after we have been given a whole house to live in as a couple, by ourselves. I could have, but I was not. There was a high chance of me having a safe life, missing out on nothing. Nice vacations to nice destinations, nice garden, nice friends, nice babies, nice life.
Yet.
Despite all of this safety and nice life expectancy, I left. Explaining it in words is hard, but I always seem to strive for something else, something other, something more.
This restlessness has been a reoccurring theme throughout my life and as so many other things in it, I have been ashamed of it, tried to banish it, thought of it as a flaw and a defect of my wiring.
Many times I have yearned to being able to have roots, firmly and deeply grown into ground. Settled down, able to maintain a life with which the people around me seem to be content. A well paid job in a company aligned with my core beliefs, a good relationship with my co-workers and boss, an apartment or a house with a garden, relationship, pets, children, childhood friends and newfound friends, all within a moving range of maximum 50 km.
Yet.
Here I am. In between countries, again, not even sure how the next month is going to look like, where I will be, what I will be doing.
Yet.
This time it feels different. For the first time it feels as though I am in alignment with this restlessness in my heart. As though I am living in a calm and complementary relationship with this aspect of myself. Being somewhere, living fully within the experience of my various hosts’ lifestyles, their rhythms, adjusting, experiencing, taking in the essence of every aspect of it, and then after a certain amount of time, switching, changing, breathing in the freedom of transformation, transition, variation, modification. Never have I ever felt so at peace with this desire of movement and constant unsettledness. I am restless to expand my knowledge, I am restless to vastness of experiences, I am restless to create and restless to rest, if that makes sense.
The gratitude flows through me. The flow of reason, purpose, belonging, acceptance. I am what I am. Maybe it is self love, the effect of years worth of work on self development and growth. Maybe it is even simpler than that. Coming to terms that I am not destined for a settled life. Maybe my core demands and expects a constant step towards the new, ever changing and flowing as life itself does.
Yet.
Finally I understand the Yet.
“there is an answer, there is a way
i have not found it
it may be that it cannot be found,
that there is no such thing.
yet
better the search than dully to agree with
necessity.”
|| L. Adam Beck ||
Whatever answer we are looking for, whatever way we have yet to go or choose not to experience. Whatever doubts we have if our choices are right or wrong. Whatever time we ask if there is a reason to it all or if there even needs to be a reason. Whatever course of action or inaction we decide to take or not to take.
Better live daringly than settle for less than what we are capable of. Better live daringly, fully, or quiet and established. Better live aware of your freedom of choice to live the very way you want to be, empowered by what you think is best for you, exhilarated by the knowledge that there is another second, and hour, and day, week, month and year, to approach it differently, if it did not bring you the outcome you desired, the contentment, the gratification.
All is better than quietly suffering within necessity. So much life to live.
What I humbly try to put into words is the universal aspect to this quote. It speaks for everyone in general and individually. It shouts out the possibility of choice and in the same breath reminds us of the duty we have towards ourself to honour what this possibilities should consist of.
What do we want our life to look like, what do we want to experience, what do we want for ourself?
Once upon a time, it seems ages ago, I created a picture. I have always been fascinated by words. Infatuated by quotations that emphasise the underlying meaning to the sheer unfathomable meaning of existence.
Here it stands, the quote from the pocket-sized book I bought more than five years ago somewhere on a Spanish island. And its true meaning, for me anyway, is revealed to me slowly and gradually, here in Ireland through the life altering decision to give up, once more, everything known to me. Embarking on a journey to seek in the external what was always there in the internal world of myself. Self care, self acceptance, self appreciation, self love.
I am Nadine Almer and I am restless.
I am restless because I believe in a world ruled by love and compassion, in alignment with our Mama Earth. I am restless because I know something out there needs to be created by me, with me, through me. I might not YET know exactly why, what, or how, or when or even where.
Yet.
… better the search than dully settle for necessity.
Because:
“Everyday you make a difference of some sort and you have a choice as to what kind of difference you are going to make” || Dr. Jane Goodall ||
Make your choices count, because every choice matters, one way or another. Everything and everyone is connected. Cause and effect, one of the underlying principles of the universe that we are a part of. We are a world family, part of nature itself.
All is connected.
Love and light, beloved souls
Nadine
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