Purpose And Other Meandering Delusions
I thought it was that the consequences that arise from my decision feel less like hardships because I consciously made a decision leading to them, of my own free will.
But now, after this: Is it simply because I already started out living my purpose?
Maybe it is both.
As always along my journey of self discovery I had a huge amount of inspirational people shaping my ways of thinking, gifting me with epiphanies that led to healing and a healthier mindset. One of these people is Teal Swan, controversial as people say she is, innately she strives to better the world through empowering people. This last week a YouTube Short came up in my feed in which she states the following:
Create purpose by defining what matters to you
‘I don’t really feel real joy.’ - That means you have not decided what’s important to you yet.
And by virtue of not deciding what’s important, then you are not making decisions for that in your life.
Even the worst experiences you can go through, if you have purpose, they don’t feel as bad.
This resonated with me enormously, as for the past months on my journey of setting up my own freelance business have been full of lessons that I was only able to digest and fully understand in hindsight. I struggled with money, I struggled with my self esteem, my self confidence, the believe in my abilities, I struggled with dishonest clients and my own procrastination.
Long story cut short: I struggled.
Nonetheless I did not feel like this, in fact the opposite was the case.
Apart from three or four days over the course of these past 6 months, I have been the happiest I have ever been. Oftentimes people asked me why that is.
How can you feel happy when you have no knowledge about where you get food the next week? How can you be content without any insurance? What about your pension?
What If’s have been thrown at me constantly. My answer usually was the same one: I consciously made a decision to embark on this journey and by now, I literally have no other choice than to make it, nothing else is an option anymore. I can't go back to a life I had before, I won't go back. Thus the decision that led to these consequences was mine only, of my own free will I find myself in these situations; these consequences mark my journey, my stepping stones, my challenges towards a life I long for. Nothing can break my stride, so to speak. And life is good overall. Shelter and food, as long as I can create and live my freedom, is there really anything more that I need?
That was my thought process.
And this is where Teal Swan chimes in with her snippet of wisdom to widen my horizon.
Was I content for a whole other reason?
Simply because I already started out living my purpose and arranged my priorities accordingly, not even realising it? Me, the one that started out on her healing journey from burnout almost 7 years ago, by doing nothing else but searching for her purpose?
Apart from morning or bedtime routine that evolves around journaling, reading, meditation and Yoga, and of course apart from the walks with Marjorie, all of my free time is invested into creativity. At the moment I am juggling:
a weekly personal blog
a monthly video log
a personal Instagram connected to my blog
a professional Instagram profile connected to my professional portfolio website
a creative art Instagram account for fun
bits of client work whenever something comes up
five days a week of volunteer work as a WWOOFer
two pro bono logo and website projects
two mock up projects for advertisement both for social media, flyer design and app design
All this said, I still feel unaccomplished and lazy at times.
And yet, fulfilled and content most of the times.
On my way, giving it my all to create the life I envision for Marjorie and I.
Free at last.
A car to call our home with the endless vastness of Mama Gaia open for us to explore.
So, indeed, Teal Swan hits home when she suggests that purpose provides priorities, leading to knowledge of what is important, result in decision-making to work toward said goal, answering any questions as to why hardships are valuable to begin with.
All throughout my depression, whenever I spent 12 or more hours in bed and didn’t seem to be able to ‘control’ myself, ‘discipline’ myself, all that I was lacking, was a purpose. And then when I went on the quest to find my purpose, I somehow lost myself in the search. Afterwards I met a lot of people and they were content, not thinking about purpose, just being themselves and taking steps towards what they want their lives to look like.
Similar to a parent that simply does not give in regardless of what struggles they face, they still do everything to provide for their child, no depression there, no burnout no matter how hard it gets. Their child’s good is their purpose.
Letting go of the search and relaxing into being myself, setting boundaries, getting to know myself, trusting myself, working on myself:
Suddenly I find myself living the purpose of being me and being of service to others, whenever I can.
Suddenly I feel joy in the sunlight, in the rain, in nature and in the city, in small tasks like cleaning or washing up, in dressing up for the city or for the farm, in travelling or staying put for a certain period of time, in connecting with people, in connecting with animals, in listening to the river, in breathing in the salty ocean, in the smell of a cup of coffee, in the throbbing ache in my body after a good day’s worth of work on a farm or a meditative workout on my Yoga mat, in not overeating and yet also enjoying a 2nd slice of cake.
From a girl that thought she might not be ordinary, might never feel genuine joy in life, I have grown into a woman that wholeheartedly can scream out in delight: I love life.
Teal Swan might be onto something there. If you don’t feel anything, set out on the journey of getting to know yourself.
Do not give up on yourself, do not give yourself up.
Do what you love, love what you do.
Celebrate hardships. Acknowledge being scared of the consequences, but see the value in them anyway.
For on the other side of the rainbow awaits a life full of scent and pleasure, peace and calm, love and connection, small and big gems of what it means to be human in this reality.
Life is short.
From my heart to yours, love and light, beloved souls.