I am engaging in an online self development course at the moment- because, you know me, firstly I am a true sucker for anything to do with self growth, and secondly, why not, right?!
In a mixed role of administration and coming up with smart advertisement for the event, I am lucky enough to benefit from the program without paying for it. If you are interested in knowing more, it is in German and here is the link.
During one of the last group sessions a topic came up with which I have been struggling for the longest time. It probably stems from a lot that lies in the past- and staying true to my instructor, I will not dwell on the reasons as this only contributes to feeding the energy field of those days and emotions long past. What I will contemplate though, is the fact that I am no longer within this lack, on the contrary, I emerged from it and find myself nowadays in a state of abundance.
It is time to enjoy the fruition of all the work I put in, it is time to live the lightness openly.
Why do I say that?
Because up until that group session I always felt the need to justify my newfound joy in life with the gruesome parts of my past. I thought in order to be allowed to be happy and free and deserve the joy I am experiencing at the moment, I need to always keep in mind where I came from. In order for people to understand that they too can achieve this sort of elated state of being in their lives, I needed to retell the hardships I encountered, to relate to them and their stories, to build bridges they can grasp and thus be able to establish courage and start walking towards it, maybe even over it.
I have attained a new perspective. No longer do I need to connect the past with the present, at least not all the time. Allowing myself to be content without guilt or shame. I have learned that I can wholeheartedly embrace the feeling of being proud of myself.
Unconditionally.
And this is the reason for this week's blogpost. It has been given to me by the instructor of the course; post a live video in our Facebook group and tell us, without editing or any fancy other stuff, why you are proud of yourself. I changed it a little bit since my go to way to process stuff is writing. So, I'll write this first and deduce from it what I will say in the video. Honestly, I also am very emotional right now, all teary and probably be all red and blotchy faced once I have finished. Unbelievable how hard it is to actually sit down and write about what you are most proud of.
Have you ever tried?
The last time I did something that intense, was writing a letter to my 10 year old self, all apologetic and promising to take care of her from that day forward... but I am sidetracking.
Taking a deep breath and here it goes:
Dear Me
Look where we are!
Isn't this something you could have never even imagined?
Wasn't it just over a year ago that we started seriously contemplating starting a career as a freelancer- with no real professional certificates to give us credibility, with no experience to provide us with a network, with no way of even knowing what we were good enough to earn money from in the first place?
One year ago - and although we are not having a stable income that can provide us with the financial stability of paying a monthly rent, we also don't need that because we are still travelling. Like we said we wanted to.
Look at us!
I, for one, am unbelievably proud of you!
I am proud that we took the leap, although there was not much of a choice. Like most things in our life, taking the leap simply was the next logical thing to do, only thing to do really, exactly like the pull to quit a perfectly fine life in Switzerland and start to travel.
I am proud that we don't just settle. We fly, headfirst and boldly. Finally we accepted and established a deep love for our never-ending thirst for living and exploring and going further. It seems our comfort zone is getting out of our comfort zone. And I am unabashedly proud of that too.
I am proud that our relationship with food is that of healing and compassion. We learned that we have an eating disorder and for the longest time, this was were we somewhat drew our pride from. Can you imagine the 'fricking'-mindfudge that was our brain? But no more, because now we grew from it and we treat food the same way we treat our body, with respect. And if we devour one chocolate more than we should, we devour it with the utmost, unearthly manner of pleasure. A healthy, a not even remotely close to 24/7 thinking of it, relationship with edibles!
The word proud can't really convey the joy I feel about this. But I'll go with it: I am proud of this too.
I am proud that we shed roles and belief systems that were given to us and in doing so were able to form our very own. We believed them for the longest time but our soul always came through to our rescue, pulling us ever closer to the path we are on now. For the most part we did not even know we were hiding beneath those layers of other people's opinions of us, those layers of self defence and coping mechanisms. We probably do not know all of them yet, most certainly we have not freed ourselves from all of them. But we have a lifetime to accomplish exactly that. And being able to cheerfully scream a big, fat yes to life - indescribable in words what a journey that was to come to this point. Or maybe not, maybe it simply is: I am proud of saying yes to life.
I am proud of saying yes to making my own choices and living with all of the consequences. I am proud to being bold and courageous and kind and compassionate. I am proud to believe in this better world and I am proud that I am being the change that I want to see in it. I am proud that I am able to love, fiercely and unconditionally. I am proud that I know of boundaries and am just now learning how to set them in a healthy way. I am proud of every step I took to get where I am now. I am proud to be honest and open about my story. I am proud that I don't need this story anymore in order to feel deserving. I am proud to be creative and sparkly, weird and odd at times. I am proud to be funny. I am proud to be sparkly, and shiny, and glowing and bubbly. I am proud to have a hundred other facets to my being. I am proud of the genuine connections I established along the way.
And speaking of ways, speaking of saying yes to things.
What I am most proud of is this: I am proud to saying yes to life. A wholehearted, loud, unafraid YES to the journey. Forget about the destination.
I am proud to say:
'Yes, in every way, yes, to the journey ahead!Let's go!'
From my heart to yours, beloved souls out there: Be proud of yourselves!
Love and light to all of you
Nadine