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  • Writer's pictureNadine Almer

My Kind Of Romance: The Way To My Heart

My beautiful souls out there - I have made a decision regarding my relationship status.

I have decided that yes, I am ready to commit again.

Hotel Heart Room Vacancies!

Not that it matters at the moment as I am far to busy to focus on my future guy-to-be. Still, if we have any applicants out there, as a very progressive female, I thought I'd give out some advice on the way to my heart. Assisting and giving them a head start so they know right away if they should even take the effort or leave it altogether.

I know, how considerate of me, you are welcome!

Now, fasten your seatbelts and prepare yourself for an epic journey into the depths of media to explore the possibilities for a successful flirting adventure. With me, that is. I am not taking responsibility if you try these on other people though.

Exhibit A

The way to my heart through the mind

And I quote:

You shall recommend a book for me to read that you believe will improve me in some way, and I will do the same for you. The terms are these: the work must be read in its entirety - no skipping - and a full account of the sensations it produced is to be given by the reader to the recommender before a period of not more than fourteen days has expired. What do you say?

I say: Take me and never let me go, dear!

A little backstory on this one: Remember Jane Austen and her book 'Pride and Prejudice'? If not, firstly I linked it because it is a must read (just joking, there is no must in this world), secondly shame on you for not knowing it (also just joking, I have never read Tolstoi fully and some people might want to hang me for that, life should not be that serious, right?).

Anyway, I am digressing.

This excerpt was taken from the book 'The Other Bennet Sister' by Janice Hadlow. She explores the character and psyche of the youngest sister from the main family portrayed in 'Pride and Prejudice', called Mary. Being a wallflower in comparison to her beautiful older siblings and in a time period when marriage was the highest achievement and most important thing for a woman to be secure, her mother disregards her and she is overlooked or even frowned upon all of her childhood right into adulthood. What this book does brilliantly is paint the picture of how her mother's behaviour towards her establishes a deep rooted belief system of her not being valuable or worthy of love. However, on the other hand, having been rejected by her mother because her appearance lacks agreeableness, she instead establishes a thirst for knowledge. Also shown the cold shoulder by her father, who instead favours her sister Elizabeth's sharp wits, she is drawn to what her mind can accomplish. Always in the back of her intentions obviously the longing of acceptance for who she is as a person and love from her father: If she would just work hard enough, in the end, her father might see her, acknowledge her, love her. Like so many grown-ups these days the result is a self image entirely build on the wish to please her father in regards to intellect, becoming a thorough student, adamant to make up with brains what she is supposedly lacking in looks.

What I like about this book is the brilliant way the author eases you into Mary's psyche and train of thought, guiding you through Mary's adult life while weaving in flashbacks explaining what situations made her to the woman she is now, or why she is comes to certain conclusions. Our heroine and main character makes a very conscious decision of accepting her plainness and instead diving into the realms of hard work and concentration in order to build her intellect. There are situations in the book when I was moved to tears as well because she has such a low regard for herself, diminishing her light, feeling like a nuisance wherever she is and whomever she is with, not worthy of anyone talking to her and not feeling as though her company is appreciated, much less even enjoyed.

And then Mr. Hayward comes into the picture and during one of their encounters the quoted situation from above plays itself out. Flirting in the late 1800's. I would not have chosen to live in this era due to the conditions of female rights. Still, reading about this idealised, fictional way of flirtation, I totally fell for Mr. Hayward and wanted him to end up with Mary. If he does, you need to find out on your own, I won't spoil the joy of venturing into Mary's journey yourself.

Now, all of this said: His proposal would make me instantly hooked coming from someone in our age and time. I don't usually even start communication if someone went for the eggplant emoji as a conversation starter. I also don't usually bother to go to all lengths to carry a conversation myself if I only get one syllables or one worded, disinterested responses to my inquiries. Language and how you choose to present yourself through language is just as important as having the same wave length in regards to improving yourself, becoming the best version of yourself. Thus, Mr. Hayward is not only proposing to read a book and give feedback if he enjoyed it, he suggests for her to indulge him with a book she thinks might contribute to his growth. In doing so he states that he likes reading; that he is longing for her point of view; that he is open to work on himself and eager to go on a self development journey with her; that he is able to give her the same in return; that he gladly and voluntarily spends time on thinking about her and about her choice of book and obviously using his brain to finish the book and provide her with an insight on his thoughts about it. It is not just a transaction of intellect, there is a whole emotional backpack accompanying it. It is thoroughly getting to know each other, committing to more than just idle conversation. It is diving headfirst into the very mind of the other person.

Inspiring, intriguing, iconic.

Exhibit B

The way to my heart through philogyny.

And I display:

For those of you who do not want to watch, this is a scene from the motion picture 'The Young Victoria', and this is the summary: She is supposed to be the next Queen of England, he is one of the suitable candidates to marry her. Indeed, he has been trained by his uncle to know her favourite operas, her favourite books, know her inside and out to make an impression on her and be considered before his opponents, as a husband. She is aware of all of it. This very scene depicts the end of the last night he spends in her home, Kensington Palace. He and his brother visited for a couple of weeks, main object of this stay getting him, Albert, and her, Victoria, acquainted and possibly, hopefully, onto the path to engagement. Now, since this is the last night, there are several different layers to why this is one of my absolute favourite scenes in the whole movie.

First there is the layer of holding hands. In those times there hardly ever was any physical touch, neither between family nor between the different sexes. In Kensington palace, and because of her valuable status as the next Queen of England, as long as she is underage she has to follow the Kensington rules. One of them states that she has to hold the hand of someone whenever she ascends or descends the stairs, to prevent accidents. Usually her governess holds it, yet on this very last night of them being in each other's presence, he asks permission to walk her up and in doing so, holds her hand. In our time and age holding a hand means not very much anymore, really. Back then he made her know how serious he is in his commitment already by this act of intimacy. He is telling her, I like you and if you would have me, I'd be committed to you.

Then we have the heartbreakingly humble and respectful manner of asking her permission to write to her. I mean, the simplicity in it is making my heart race already. Not only is he giving her the freedom to make up her mind if she wants to continue building a relationship with him, he is also telling her that he would invest time and thought and energy without expecting anything in return. Unconditionally because if he is permitted to write to her, this does not include any prospect or guarantee that she would answer. In times of a society where it is absolutely no surprise to get unannounced and certainly unwelcome graphics of certain body parts of the gentlemen you are communicating with, this scene complies everything I hope for during the first encounters of continuous flirtation. One sentence imbued with devotion, respect, longing, affection... phylogyny (and yes, I had to look that word up... the antonym for misogyny).

Exhibit C

The way to my heart through challenge and individualism.

Nothing to share here except the confession of what you might have known already: No one is perfect and we all are humans. I am therefore flawed and I do not expect for that to change into perfection within this lifetime. This means that I do not need someone who paints a mainly wrong picture of my character or person as being free from fault. I don't want to have a relationship with someone who creates an image in their head about me and disregards the reality of me.

I am not anywhere near perfect.

Far from it.

I am a combination of a thousand or even more fragments of character, personalities, challenges, positives and negatives.

What I need is friction to grow.

Self development is one of my main motors in life. I seek change and I view it as the best possible way to evolve as a human being to the core of my soul.

The top of one mountain is the base of the next.

A groupie won't get me there, I am well passed the blindness of assuming that someone fanboy-ing over me, is what I want or need.

Challenge my opinions, my worldviews, my behaviour - respectfully, framed in an enriching conversation that has no prejudice or degrading, patronising intonation.

And lastly: Have something you can obsess over that you are eager to share with me but remains your own realm of enthusiasm. Sharing is caring, still, keeping our individual time to dive into our individual perceptions of this world, is necessary for my sanity... if that makes sense.


This stance is bound to this phase of my life.

Like life itself it will probably change over time.

This very last part for example only came into existence while healing and processing my last relationship; before I was all about merging with the other person to become one single organism. And mainly because I chose to decide to be alone for some time was I able to get to know me, integrate parts I rejected beforehand, birth new ones and start loving and appreciating me as a person.

Also, my current state of mind is of the opinion that I am not out there looking, craving someone to come and love me. Something tells me that there is a significant other. Until our paths cross, I will do my best to install the very expectations I have in a suitable partner within myself. All the wishes I may have, the long list of how the perfect other should be, I will embody first. You attract what you send out. I want to be kind, and passionate about my creativity, I want to be humble and continue to be in awe of this world, thus travelling for some more years. I want to be loving unconditionally and I want to be wholesome for people, I want them to feel nourished and empowered and content in my presence. I want to improve in my craft, in my personality, as a human being and as a soul.

Love and light, from my heart to yours, beloved souls


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