I want to be free.
I want to be independent.
I want to accomplish everything on my own terms, with my own conditions.
I.
There is no ‘we’ or ‘us’ or ‘gregarious’ in ‘I’, is there?!
For the majority of the past decade I have been obsessed with the ‘I’, the ‘me’, the independence from anyone around me. More even since my last relationship came to an end on friendly terms as I had just turned 30.
This number, 30, floated above my head ominously. It seemed there was something wrong with a woman in her 30s that not yet had settled with a husband, fiancé or even boyfriend.
No house, no pension, no children.
All of these predicaments not being my choice, enforced the belief within myself that there might indeed be something wrong with me. Everyone else seemed to settle down, or was obsessively in search of this end goal to life. The more I thought about it, the more I withdrew from the whole conversation itself. I did not want to be part of the question why I had an aversion against growing roots somewhere, they lay literally very deep in my past.
As all trauma does, I guess.
What the result of all of this was, is that I entangled myself in another belief system: Independency.
Total and absolute independency.
I clawed myself to independency so deeply that it took quite some while, a few inspiring people and a lot of healing from attachment issues, to even see the intensity of my misled obsession. Like a tick or a leech, over the years, I drew blood and wouldn’t let go. So over time I started identifying myself with this independency, the goal of all goals, the supposed shining halo of womanhood, the grail to accomplishing being a true adult.
It did not help that childhood and teenage years were also painted in black and white when it came to the role of a woman and how she is supposed to interact with her world.
She should be modest and patient; kind and good humoured; have an opinion and not talk too much; be bold and take charge of her affairs, but not earn more than her man; be smart but not voice it; be accomplished but not know how accomplished she is; be beautiful inside and out but insecure because she isn’t aware of it; be confident in her own skin as well; get a man but not have a lot of experience with men; juggle family and job with grace and joy; be outgoing but also calm; be adventurous in bed and erotic but not be a slut or too open about her sexuality; most of all though: be independent and never dependent on a man (while at the same time cautious about that too, because men do not like that kind of women, apparently).
Mixed signals, is it?
Yeah, I agree.
While I know that financial independency is a totally different matter of topic, and still a necessity for me to have in a healthy and balanced relationship: balance is key to everything, as much I have learned thus far.
I was trying to discover what of the above I was or not was, the most important to me during my late 20’s was to become financially independent. I have always been in relationships where I was the one earning less money. In general the money was primarily also always an issue in my relationships. While wanting to be independent, I simultaneously could never be it. Whether it be him generously supported by his family within all requests and me being the one working a 9-5 to support myself and our household, or because he worked full time having finished a degree and me not being able to work within the profession that I made my degree in, so therefore having to start on the bottom of the ‘office-chain’. Or simply because I seemed to not ‘get it together’, always on the lookout for my purpose rather than a suitable profession.
I supposedly kept the balance by making sure I documented all the money spent and repay the exact half of it: be it during a holiday, be it the monthly shopping for groceries, be it for an over the top birthday gift of surprise stag trips to a city or huge birthday parties for him and all of his friends. That was my way of accountancy in our partnership.
I thought this was a healthy and normal way of a partnership.
Part of it was the strive for independence, part of it was the constant fear of not keeping the balance financially, which would eventually backlash on our relationship, or me specifically. I had bad experiences in the past as well. Friends badmouthing me that I would use them and take advantage of their generosity, although they would literally not give in trying to persuade me to get me to go with them, to have drinks or the cinema even though I pointed out that I did not have the financial means to do so. They would insist, waving the money aside with hand gestures and big words of reassurements that it was my company they valued; and why not leave it to them to decide on how they want to spent their money to begin with? So, I trusted their words and took them for face value. Leading to me having a reputation.
Not helping with all of that was my parent’s inflicted belief system that ‘money does not grow on trees’ and also ‘money destroys relationships’.
Self fulfilling prophecy right there.
Long story (not) cut (so) short:
I saw my financial status as the ultimate and only indicator for independency.
From not only my family, or men, but also from all people.
Which is right and wrong; right if you are a mentally healthy human being, wrong if you have the wrong intentions and belief systems in place (aka me).
And with the societal pressure and expectations of what it means to enter your 30s as a woman, I decided that, now more than ever, I will gain total independency in all matters.
Never relying on anyone else, never in my life.
Fast forward to me being 34 and hearing Teal Swan (yes, her again) last week:
Most of us around the world in our adulthood value independence.
We’re addicted to it, honestly.
We are addicted to the idea that we can do everything for ourselves.
Meet all of our own needs.
And not depend on others.
BUT.
You depend on other people every day without really realising it.
We are completely dependent creatures.
We have simply managed to make it feel impersonal.
But this level of dependence that we have on each other is not necessarily a bad thing.
Say what?!
I thought we were supposed to stop our enmeshments, attachment issues and all that jazz?!
Well, it turns out, as always and ever: Intention and healing is the key.
Having a healthy and healed self enables you to let go of unhealthy attachment and enmeshment issues. Leading us to being able to see the value and the enriching experience in actually giving oneself to dependency.
Staying your own person of course.
Having your boundaries in place.
A balance act always.
But once made into a lived through experience, we most certainly will know what does feel right to us and what does not.
I am thus resonating with Teal.
I have not realised how intense I am indeed depending on others constantly. During this week of hearing her statement and bringing my awareness to this however, I discovered how deeply connected we all are. How our actions affect one another. How consideration, how love and kindness, how life is interwoven with other beings.
I never was truly independent.
I also see how my addiction to become independent hindered my being able to form deep relationships and connections with others. My previous partners, well-established friendships or new acquaintances.
Experiencing a panic attack twice within one month when I found myself starting to grow romantic emotions for someone made me realise just how deep rooted this pattern was.
Why did this happen?
Why was I having a panic attack whilst developing a deep emotional connection to a male?
Was I scared of romantic relationships now? Was it fear of getting hurt again? Was it anxiety of losing my freedom? Panic to become enmeshed with someone? Was falling in love synonymous now with forgetting who I was? Did I even know who I was in past relationships? Will I end up alone, unable to ever form deep bonds again? Would I be running and running year after year, banishing every chance of romantic love from my life without ever settling down? Was that even bad? I love my life, I have grown to love myself more and more and more. Was it so bad to be alone in the first place?
Maybe I was destined to be a wise and old spinster, knowledgeable in a commune with her herbs and aura medicine- does not sound too bad to me.
Why was I having trouble breathing when I feel emotions rising up, formed because of a deep connection with a potential male partner?
Then Teal Swan’s wisdom came up in my feed. And suddenly something clicked.
This was it. My longterm obsession with independency caused my body to overreact to a connection to a guy I just met.
I mean, there literally was no doubt that neither he nor I were in a state of mind to be in a relationship, we both trusted each other to tell us as much. We liked each other, I could have just let things flow, surrender, see whatever would have happened.
Si es atal es atal.
And yet, I panicked over it. And I saw it fit to break contact, withdraw from the experience.
That wasn’t me, it did not feel like me.
It did feel alien.
I am the one saying yes to the experience. I am the one knowing that I meet people for a reason, that there is synchronicity in this universe. A certainty about connection being the key to unlock unlimited personal growth and self development, that is what lies within my soul.
That is me.
Not that freaked out girl shying away from the intensity of her own feelings, denying a chance for growth and… if meant to be, maybe even love.
Then again, now that I write this and the week has passed, I also realise that I am too hard on myself again. For what is this blogpost else than a perfect example of taking what life throws into your lap and letting the experience become a valuable life lesson for personal growth?!
Maybe it was not about the guy in the first place.
Maybe it was not about Teal Swan’s wisdom.
Maybe it was about me realising that I, all of us really, all along, find ourselves within the totality of an interwoven, never ending, energetic fabric of connection and interchanging lives.
Thus independency becomes an illusion.
And is therefore not inherently bad at all.
It is imperative and necessary and good.
With that said, my beloved souls, thank you for your ongoing support. I feel blessed and I feel grateful for you all.
From my heart to yours, love and light, to all of you.
Nadine
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