17.3. - 30.3.2021
It's been two weeks since I last recaptured what my daily life consists of and what thoughts move me. Two weeks and both of them have been challenging in their own special way. Special in hindsight of course because during both of them I felt challenged to keep up what previously came naturally to me: admiration for the beautiful country I am in, gratitude for the life I am lucky enough to lead right now and most of all love for all as the grounding base that provides me with the sentiment of security and stability.
All of that did not vanish into thin air of course, and because I have worked through the deepest and darkest parts of my soul previously, I had my tools at the ready and knew how to cope. Nonetheless they were challenging and within them were a few ups and downs. What they were I am willing to share with you now because tomorrow I will focus on something else entirely and I wish to take you with me on that journey. So, in order to clear the way for the new tomorrow, here is my update on the last two weeks of my life.
Week 1: Lessons learned
Within two days everything seemed to move at a speed with which I was not comfortable at all. Everything was going so fast, it seemed just the blink of an eye could transport me to the end of June and I was not ready for that at all.
I figured that time flew by for two main reasons. Firstly a very organic and honest conversation with Andrew, my host, brought so many things in my head into motion that it was hard keeping up with the thought process. The things mentioned all concerned what I wanted to do with this blog, my website and ultimately my life. Basically I needed to think hard on my next steps and how to evolve into someone that could bring value to this world. What do I have to offer, what do I want to offer, how could this translate into the real world and how would it look and sound like?
Needless to say that up until now I have not yet finished the task of figuring it out but I am back in the saddle to think about all of it. My deepest desire and joy is to be of service to our Mother Gaia and all beings therein, how I do not know but I know that I am getting there step by step. As of now, I guess step one has been done, being to get out of my comfort zone and start a journey with unknown destinations. Step two may be to think about all of these inputs and put them together piece by piece, one adventure at a time.
Lesson one I learned from all of this was to not have to have all the answers at the ready or in an instant. Everything will come when it is supposed to come and I will do my utmost to walk on, be the best version of myself that I can be and along the way everything will fall into place.
Plan for this journey was to go with the flow of life and have no plans. Since this in itself is a paradox, clearly there needed to be the point where even the long-term plan would turn out to not come to fruition. Some people might shake their heads on my way of handling things but as I am the only one I need to feel aligned with, this does not bother me. What bothered me in this week though, was coming to terms with the simple fact that I will not be able to realize my five year plan with the resources and immigration laws that are in place now. I admit to not have been fully aware of the magnitude of my endeavours before and I clearly did not do my research well. Of course this is the here and now and who knows how things might change and progress, but to see a five year plan of becoming a permanent resident in the UK explode just by a few clicks of research- it broke my heart and I had to recover. Advocating for living in the Now, getting rid of expecationts and enjoy going with the flow has been my main focus within my way of spirituality. With this news crashing down on me I lost all of this mindset just like that which taught me another important lesson.
Be humble. I felt so secure and safe in my approach to life that I forgot to stay humble and agile. Self-development is a good thing to start with but when life comes in between a humble attitude keeps you calm even in the most difficult situations. Humbleness is the teacher who lends us a hand if we think we have lost our way within the labyrinth that is life's decisions. We have a choice but being cuaght up in day to day life can make line blur so that it seems like we are like feathers moved by the wind wherever it brings us. And although the wind metaphorically speaking may be the flow of life, we as the feather always have the choice to go with it and smile or cry. My first choice was to cry and think of all my plans and how I am now without purpose. It took me a while to gain back my self confidence, the belief in myself and that I am here for a reason, to come back into my lane. Hopefully I have learned my lesson and will adapt easier if life throws some unexpected twist or turn at me, hopefully I have now developed a sense of joy when something does not go to plan that it might be even better than the initial idea.
Week 2: Sugar abstinence meets moodswings
For the past two years over Easter I used to make it a new tradition to water fast. Somehow with holidays throughout the festivities it seemed reasonable to do some form of spring cleaning for my body. Also I needed to prove to myself that although I might give in to some old habits some days, like eating sweets until my stomach hurts and still craving for more, I still have control over it. My binge eating problem is my companion since I can remember, my eating disorder as well. Over the last couple of years, certainly since I had started my journey of healing from two past burnouts, depression and exhaustion, binge eating as well as the eating disorder have both improved drastically. I am not where I aim to be yet, but like everything, it takes time. So, around Easter I take another approach and fast instead of eating loads of chocolate and other delicious things. There are a lot of different ways of doing this and I think everyone needs to find their own way.
Mine is to consume no caffein or sugar one and a half weeks prior to the four days and nights of water fasting.
The beginning of the second week of crisis was therefore contributed to the cutting out of caffein and sugar. And trust me this led to a U-turn of perception on life. I found it hard to be thankful for things like a weekend without work, the lifting of some travel restrictions allowing me to visit the attraction on the island, being proud for still writing every day even if it was for my private purposes only.
As is always the case with me I cannot just focus on one thing, I have to tackle more. Unaware that my sudden sense of slow motion of life may come from the cleansing, the intense awareness practices with yin yoga and the drastic change of habits like a new before bed routine, I found myself on a rollercoaster. One hour everything felt fine, the next I had to put a lot of effort in to be my loving, appreciative self. Only this last Sunday during a phone call with my best friend did I realize how much I had taken on this week and how absolutely normal it was to have this turbulent emotional days.
Not only had I still find a way back into the ordinary state of uplifted flowing I usually was in more or less constantly, in addition to that I had no comfort food to console me which is deep rooted in my system. I am glad that I did not abandon the things that are sacred to me, things that I swore to do just for myself everyday since my birhtday last september, including yoga or meditation and writing every single day, no excuses, downtime for me to recalibrate and let out any thought, empty myself and clear my energy.
One and a half weeks into my cleansing, so many lessons learned, so many new experiences had, one day away from my four day water fasting challenge and I can see the positive side of the last fourteen days of gray.
Now that I have written all of this down I feel kind of accomplished, as if I had to focus on myself and distance myself from the every other day update on this blog. There simply was not enough space and room for a public reflection because I could not put into words what was being digested in my mind and soul. Respect for myself returns, seeing what I understood and took out of these past two weeks. The challenges now do not seem like challenges anymore but like lessons given to me by life. Next up and the one I can not wait to experience: water fasting. Once again it feels natural having a rush of gratitute pulse through my veins, a smile of appreciation on my lips and a sigh of love for the unfathomable energy of life from deep within. I am head over heels in love again, with all that life has to offer, with all the dares I set myself to try out, with all the practices life has to give to me.
Love and light, beloved souls, and all the best for you
Nadine